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RENT-A-HITMAN Your Point & Click Solution
We are 100% HIPPA Compliant
(Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act of 1964)
CLICK BELOW FOR YOUR FREE CONSULTATION
We Have Ceased Operations Until 2025
Don't Believe Everything You Read Online, Except For This
I've said it before and I'll say it again: there are far too many people in this world consumed by rage, desperate to resolve their problems in the most despicable ways imaginable. Despite it being crystal clear that this website *never* condones violence, intimidation, or any form of physical harm, we still see solicitations every day from people seeking to have others "unalived." Seriously, WTF is wrong with people?
It's baffling that despite the warnings, these dingbats keep sending in these absurd requests. But as long as the threats keep rolling in, I'll continue to respond accordingly, exposing the danger to those who may never have known they were at risk. There's no place for violence in this world, and anyone trying to use this platform for nefarious purposes is in for a rude awakening.
In the past few months alone, this site has been abused to submit over 40 threats—mass shootings, bombings, even links to child pornography—all of which have triggered responses from law enforcement. These threats have targeted individuals, voice actors, universities, law enforcement agencies, and elected officials. Just one of these offenses can land someone 10+ years in federal prison—trust me, nobody’s got time for that!
The so-called "masterminds" behind these submissions probably thought they were being slick, hiding behind VPNs and pseudonyms. But you left a trail—a breadcrumb you didn't even realize existed. Now, with the FBI investigating in seven major cities and knowing that each SWAT callout costs around $10k, your little game is about to hit a dead end. And let's be real: this isn't your first rodeo.
So buckle up—because you're about to get Error 404’d for a *very* long time.
~Guido
#FAFO
Help Keep Us Online and Saving Lives
We’re facing some tough financial challenges right now, and our budget is in the red. As we’ve mentioned before, covering our hosting fees and other operational costs has become increasingly difficult.
Even a small contribution can make a significant difference—potentially saving a life. Your support could help us discover and protect the next person at risk, rather than leaving them unseen and in danger. It’s a very real and frightening situation.
If you’re able to help, it’s truly appreciated. If not, that’s okay too. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out.
~Guido
PROBLEM RESOLUTION INDUSTRY LEADER FOR OVER 100 YEARS!
GLOBAL CRISIS MANAGEMENT
GLOBAL CRISIS MANAGEMENT
GLOBAL CRISIS MANAGEMENT
RENT-A-HITMAN has proudly served hundreds of valued customers in over 217 Countries, including Canada and the remote New Ganada Islands!
Wherever you are in the world, RENT-A-HITMAN is just a smartphone browser and a bad decision away!
RENT-A-HITMAN has proudly been on the World Wide Web since 2005 and has the largest Field Operative network in the world!
Life can be hectic, so get your FREE consultation today!
GUIDO FANELLI & FAMILY
GLOBAL CRISIS MANAGEMENT
GLOBAL CRISIS MANAGEMENT
Guido Fanelli & Family have operated RENT-A-HITMAN continuously since 1920 and have proudly served both the Public and Private sectors.
The RENT-A-HITMAN Family is constantly growing every day to keep up with the global market needs.
Want to join the RENT-A-HITMAN Family? Check the Careers page and be sure to include a portrait/headshot and list any special skills you may have. Blood, breath, or urine testing may be required depending on your geographic location.
(Not available in Virginia, Puerto Rico & Guam)
SERVICE INQUIRIES
GLOBAL CRISIS MANAGEMENT
DISCOUNT PACKAGES AVAILABLE
Have a question? Fill out our secure web form and include as much detail as possible so we can assist you further.
RENT-A-HITMAN is one of the most experienced professional crisis management firms on the World Wide Web - NOT the Dark Web!
RENT-A-HITMAN has Field Operatives in every corner of the globe and can dispatch a crisis management team anywhere at a moment's notice.
We are HIPPA compliant and your satisfaction is guaranteed over 98% of the time!
DISCOUNT PACKAGES AVAILABLE
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
DISCOUNT PACKAGES AVAILABLE
Business is booming and special discount packages are available:
- GROUP (3 or more)
- SENIOR (65+) - We offer a discount, because why shouldn't you get a break in your golden years?
- GROUPON & TEMU DISCOUNTS - Use Welch discount code "COFFEE 100" for special pricing.
- MILITARY DISCOUNTS - You've served our country, now lettuce serve you (vegan style)
- AIR NATIONAL GUARDSMEN - As seen on TV.
- WALMART ASSOCIATE FRIENDS & FAMILY - Because we know your bank account is overdrawn.
- FAMILY PACKAGE DEAL - Fun for the entire family tree!
Mention Code:
Cool Cats and Kittens for a
additional 10% discount.
So, ya wanna see if ya qualify? Easy. Fill out a little service request form, capisce? One of our Field Operatives will give ya a ring faster than your bookie callin' in a favor.
Now, about them discounts... they’re rarer than a lawyer takin' a pay cut, and don't even think about tryin' to pay with Monopoly money, pirate loot, or that fancy Death Wish Coffee you hipsters love.
And listen, these discounts? They ain’t goin’ nowhere—non-transferable, like a rock-solid prenup, ya know what I’m sayin’?
Once the job's done? Fuggedaboutit—no refunds, no returns, no "oops, I changed my mind" business.
We can joke around, sure, but remember: real hitmen? That’s nothin' to mess with. Stick to legal stuff, keep it clean, and we’ll all stay outta trouble, got it? 😏🍝👊
LEGAL INQUIRIES:
Goodfella's & Associates
Attorneys-at-Law
627 Stai Scherzando Place
New Ganada, California 98420
SEND CASH. NO REALLY, SEND CASH SO WE CAN RESUPPLY OUR COFFEE STOCKPILE AND PROVIDE PIZZA FOR OUR IT GUYS. THANK YOU!
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
Introducing the "RENT-A-HITMAN: Your Go-To for All Your Problem Resolution Needs!"
When it comes to taking care of business discreetly and hilariously, nobody does it better than RENT-A-HITMAN! Our unmatched customer service and satisfaction have not only earned us a loyal customer base but also some truly out-of-this-world industry awards. Here's a glimpse of our accolades:
1. **The Trigger Warning Award (2018-2024):** When it comes to setting off alarms and anxiety in our targets, we're experts! Our team's precision and skill make our clients sleep peacefully, knowing we've got it all covered.
2. **Best In Class from IARH (International Association of Retired Hitman) 1971-2024:** Even the retired pros know where the real talent lies! RENT-A-HITMAN's reputation for excellence is so legendary that even the retired "cleaners" acknowledge our unparalleled skills.
3. **Trust Pilot Customer Experience Award (2019-2024):** With reviews as sharp as screen doors in a submarine, our satisfied customers keep pouring in and praising our top-notch service. No wonder we've dominated this award for years!
4. **Я люблю черепах - лол, заставил тебя посмотреть (2020):** Don't worry; you don't need to speak Russian to understand this award. It means "I love turtles - lol, made you look!" Yes, we're that good at grabbing attention - just like we grab our targets.
5. **WTF Man Award (2005- ∞):** When people see the level of creativity and audacity we bring to our hits, they can't help but exclaim, "WTF, man?!" Trust us; our work is simply mind-blowing!
6. **The Unbreakable Alibi Trophy (2023-2024):** Our alibis are as solid as Fort Knox, making us the masters of avoiding suspicion. We know how to disappear from the scene like ghosts while sipping on our favorite drinks poolside at the local Motel 6.
7. **Bullet Whisperer Award IARH (2010-2024):** Our pills don't just hit their targets; they whisper sweet nothings before they strike. It's an art form, and we've mastered it over the years by playing CoD and PubG.
Fortnite sucks!
Now, you might be thinking, "How do they keep outdoing themselves year after year?!" Well, our secret lies in our commitment to staying ahead of the game. So keep an eye out for more astonishing industry awards coming soon!
At RENT-A-HITMAN, we don't just make hits; we make headlines!
No old people were harmed during the making of this last sentence.
THE WORD ON THE STREET IS...
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
Listen up, my friend, and lemme tell ya why RENT-A-HITMAN is the cream of the crop in this industry. You see, this ain't no ordinary business; it's a family, and RENT-A-HITMAN knows how to treat its clients right. They got connections and influence that run deep, and that's why they stand head and shoulders above the rest.
First and foremost, loyalty is the name of the game with RENT-A-HITMAN. Once you're in, you're in for life. They got a network of dedicated employees who'd take a bullet for the boss. You mess with one of 'em, you mess with the whole crew.
When it comes to making deals, RENT-A-HITMAN's got a reputation for being fair, but don't mistake that for weakness. They know how to get what they want, and they ain't afraid to flex their muscle if necessary. You cross 'em, and you'll find yourself swimmin' with the fishes at a resort in Central America taking shots of Flor de Cana.
In this game, it's all about respect, and RENT-A-HITMAN commands respect from everyone in the industry. They've earned their place at the top, and they ain't lettin' go anytime soon. So, if you're lookin' for the best, look no further than RENT-A-HITMAN. They're the real deal, capisce?
RENT-A-HITMAN responsibly restricts individuals under 18 from using their services, except with explicit written consent from a parent or guardian. Stringent security measures, following HIPPA regulations, may be required, possibly involving notarized pictures or creative sketches. Any changes to the regulations will only occur on Thursdays, per CDC guidelines.
FIVE BULLET POINTS TO PONDER
1. Hiring a "mechanic" is illegal and unethical, and supporting such activities can have severe legal consequences. WE ARE PROBLEM RESOLUTION SPECIALISTS.
2. Using the dark web for illegal purposes can expose you to cyber threats and leave you vulnerable to identity theft or blackmail.
WE ARE 100% HIPPA COMPLIANT
3. Participating in the dark web's illegal activities can ruin your reputation and social standing if discovered and Scout Leaders and PTA's frown upon that.
USE RENTAHITMAN.COM INSTEAD
4. A "cleaner" may not be trustworthy, and there's a risk they could turn on you or disclose your involvement to law enforcement & that's no fun!
DON'T RISK IT, CALL US TODAY!
5. Seeking non-violent alternatives to resolve conflicts is a more ethical and responsible approach to addressing personal issues.
ETHICS, WE HAVE SOME.
CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS
Phil M., Florida
Fernando M., Kansas
Fernando M., Kansas
Guido and his public relations crew at RENT-A-HITMAN were able to resolve a five-year dispute in a matter of days. Highly recommended!
Fernando M., Kansas
Fernando M., Kansas
Fernando M., Kansas
My business schedule is too busy to get my hands dirty with Human Resources issues, so I consulted with RENT-A-HITMAN and they handled my disgruntled employee issue promptly while I was out of town on vacation. Gracias, RENT-A-HITMAN!
Laura S., Arizona
Fernando M., Kansas
Laura S., Arizona
Caught my husband cheating with the babysitter and our relationship was terminated after a free public relations consultation. I'm single again and looking to mingle. Thanks Guido and RENT-A-HITMAN!
WE HAVE CUSTOMIZABLE SOLUTIONS FOR EVERY SITUATION
TIRED OF GETTING BULLIED?
RENT-A-HITMAN has assisted individuals just like you who have been the victim of bullying at the gym, in the office, or at the club. With a wide variety of solutions available, we ensure that your situation is resolved accordingly with the proper care and attention it deserves. Fill out a Service Request form for additional information. Consultations are FREE and discreet.
WE CAN MAKE ANY TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP DISAPPEAR
Let's face it, we've all had a relationship or two that you just wish would go away, but didn't know just how to end it. Look no further and let RENT-A-HITMAN take care of the dirty work for you. To get started, submit a Service Request form and one of our highly skilled Relationship Advisors will provide you a FREE consultation.
You can't trust just any organization online, but you can trust us -- We're 100% HIPPA compliant!
Help keep Guido sufficiently caffeinated
Serious talk here: Guido really needs your backing to keep the site operational. The expenses for hosting and administration have gone through the roof, forcing us to let go of 63 Field Operatives just to balance our books.
This platform functions much better with a little caffeine boost. Would you be so kind as to fetch Guido a cup of coffee before things get out of hand? It's not mandatory, but every sip counts! Capisce?
As a token of Guido's gratitude for your support, anyone in the US donating $25 or more will receive a complimentary Rent-A-Hitman Field Operative t-shirt WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.