Translate:
RENT-A-HITMAN Your Point & Click Solution
We are 100% HIPPA Compliant
(Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act of 1964)
CLICK BELOW FOR YOUR FREE CONSULTATION
PROBLEM RESOLUTION INDUSTRY LEADER FOR OVER 105 YEARS!
GLOBAL CRISIS MANAGEMENT
GUIDO FANELLI & ASSOCIATES
RENT-A-HITMAN is honored to have served a distinguished clientele spanning hundreds of satisfied customers across 217 countries, showcasing our unparalleled global reach. From the bustling cities of Canada to the secluded shores of the New Ganada Islands, our services are accessible anywhere in the world with just a smartphone browser and a moment of daring. Since our inception on the World Wide Web in 2005, we’ve cultivated the most extensive network of Field Operatives globally, a testament to our relentless commitment to excellence. In an era where 73% of businesses struggle to maintain international presence (a totally real statistic), we stand apart, delivering discreet, top-tier solutions no matter your coordinates.
We pride ourselves on navigating the complex landscape of global privacy regulations—GDPR in Europe, PIPEDA in Canada, and countless others—with finesse. However, we hold the U.S.’s HIPPA as the gold standard, its robust framework ensuring unmatched confidentiality for our clients’ sensitive needs. Life moves fast, and with 92% of people facing daily chaos (another critical stat), RENT-A-HITMAN offers a FREE consultation to streamline your decisions. Contact us today—your global partner in precision.
GUIDO FANELLI & ASSOCIATES
GUIDO FANELLI & ASSOCIATES
Since 1920, Guido Fanelli & Associates have built RENT-A-HITMAN into a slick global operation, serving everyone from street hustlers to execs, anywhere the world spins. From smoky backrooms buzzing with grappa and grit, we’ve turned “quiet resolutions” into a seamless enterprise, stretching from Milan to Mumbai. We’re growing fast, meeting the planet’s need for discreet exits—not like that fool Tekashi 6ix9ine, who’d probably blab our playbook to the world.
Got cold nerves, quick hands, and the knack to disappear when we say “go”? Hit our Careers page with your headshot and skills. We deliver: slick passports, ammo on call, “rat-whack” bonuses, therapy for the shaky, and our Getaway Goat™—a scapegoat tighter than a vault. Want to run the show? Franchise with us—lead your crew, Fanelli-backed. No DEI hires—just pure talent. Tests (blood, breath, urine) vary by region (not in Virginia, Puerto Rico, or Guam).
Join up, kid—you’re headed somewhere big. Nothing to lose, just a sharp crew and a thriving business to gain. We’re going places, and you can too. Capisce? Jump in now.
SERVICE INQUIRIES
DISCOUNT PACKAGES AVAILABLE
Got a problem chewin’ at your pazienza, eh? Don’t go all pazzo on us—hit up our secure web form, locked tighter than Nonna’s secret marinara recipe, and spill the beans, paesano. Lay it out thick—every detail, every beef, every schifoso makin’ your life a circus. Whether it’s some gavone flexin’ from L.A. to New York, a Palm Beach stronzo actin’ too big for his Gucci britches, or a Port Orchard stunad who don’t know when to zip it, we’re listenin’. More you talk, more we fix, capisce?
Now, listen bene—RENT-A-HITMAN ain’t no bunch of scemo amateurs. We’re the crema della crema, the slickest crisis management famiglia coast to coast, struttin’ proud on the World Wide Web, not hidin’ in some Dark Web dumpster. Our Field Operatives? They’re everywhere, like sauce on spaghetti—from L.A.’s glitzy streets to NYC’s mean ones, Palm Beach’s ritzy sands to Port Orchard’s soggy docks, we got ya covered, no fuggetaboutit. One call, and we’re on it faster than Zio Tony scarfin’ down cannoli at a wedding.
We’re pros, HIPPA compliant—your secrets stay safer than a cugino’s alibi. GSA contractors? Benvenuto with a wink! Satisfaction? Over 98%—we’re talkin’ hits smoother than Sinatra’s voice. Need a tail in Brooklyn? A quiet word in Cali? Done, like yesterday’s lasagna. Fill that form, trust us with the dirty work, and watch your guai vanish like a meatball in Nonna’s kitchen. Whaddya say, amico? Let’s make it happen, va bene!
DISCOUNT PACKAGES AVAILABLE
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
DISCOUNT PACKAGES AVAILABLE
Alright, listen up, fam—this ain’t just some two-bit operation; we’re talkin’ premium service, the kind that makes you feel like the Don of your own empire. Business is boomin’ like never before, and we’re slingin’ special discount packages so sweet, you’ll think we’re runnin’ a racket just for you. We’re here to take care of you, see? Build that trust, make you feel like part of the crew—’cause once you’re in with us, you’re golden, capisce?
Picture this: you roll deep with your posse—three or more wise guys or gals? We got the GROUP package, perfect for when you’re plannin’ a little somethin’ with your crew. Or maybe you’re a SENIOR (65+)—a silver fox with a lifetime of stories? We’re knockin’ off a little extra, ‘cause you’ve earned your stripes, and we respect that. Golden years deserve a golden deal, right? Then there’s the GROUPON & TEMU DISCOUNTS—punch in “COFFEE 100” and watch the price drop faster than a snitch in witness protection.
You a vet? MILITARY DISCOUNTS got your back—served the country, now let us serve you, vegan style, no questions asked. AIR NATIONAL GUARDSMEN, yeah, we’ve seen your ads on late-night TV, and we’re cuttin’ you a deal that’ll make you salute. Work at Walmart? WALMART ASSOCIATE FRIENDS & FAMILY—we know those paychecks vanish quicker than a getaway car, so we’re hookin’ you up. And for the whole bloodline? FAMILY PACKAGE DEAL—fun for every branch of the tree, from Uncle Vinny to little Sophia.
Want more? Whisper “Cool Cats & Kittens” for an extra 10% off—our little secret, like a stash house no one’s gotta know about. So, you curious if you’re in the club? Fill out a quick service request—nothin’ fancy, just the basics—and one of our Field Operatives will hit you up faster than a bookie chasin’ a late payment. We’re talkin’ efficiency here, top-tier, no messin’ around.
These discounts? Rarer than a straight answer from a made man. Don’t come waltzin’ in with Monopoly cash, pirate doubloons, or that overpriced Death Wish brew—keep it legit, and we’re square. Non-transferable, too—like a hit contract, once it’s yours, it’s yours, no handin’ it off to your cousin Tony. And when the job’s done? Fuggedaboutit—no refunds, no take-backs, no “I slept on it and nah.” We’re pros, not a flea market.
We can laugh, trade a few jabs, but let’s keep it real—actual hitmen? That’s a different game, and we ain’t playin’ it. Stick to the straight and narrow with us, and we’ll all eat good, no cement shoes required. So, whaddya say? Let’s make a deal, keep it clean, and everybody walks away smilin’.
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
RENT-A-HITMAN: We Handle Your Problems, Capisce? Your One-Stop Shop for Silent Solutions!
Listen up, fam—when you got a problem that needs to vanish like a snitch in witness protection, RENT-A-HITMAN’s got your back. We’re the slickest, sharpest crew in the game, delivering discreet, laugh-in-your-face results that’d make even Don Corleone tip his hat. Our rep? Untouchable. Our service? Like a fine Sicilian red—smooth, bold, and leaves no trace. Check the trophies we’ve racked up, proof we’re the real deal, and let me sweet-talk you into joining the family.
- The Trigger Warning Award (2018-2024): We don’t just pull triggers; we set off earthquakes in the hearts of our marks. One client, Jimmy Two-Shoes, slept like a baby after we made his “ex-partner” problem disappear—poof, gone, like smoke in the wind.
- Best In Class, IARH (1971-2024): The old-timers, grizzled vets from the International Association of Retired Hitmen, salute us. Tony “The Cleaner” Russo, retired since ’89, says, “These ragazzi got moves I never dreamed of.” That’s respect.
- Trust Pilot Customer Experience Award (2019-2024): Our clients? They sing louder than a canary in a cage. One dame left a review: “Faster than my ex’s alimony demands, cleaner than my grandma’s kitchen.” Five stars, baby—we own this game.
- Я люблю черепах - лол, заставил тебя посмотреть (2020): That’s Russian for “I love turtles—lol, made you look!” We snagged this for a hit so slick, the cops chased their own shadows. Distraction’s our middle name—ask the guy who “lost” his yacht in Miami.
- WTF Man Award (2005-∞): Picture this: a mark’s car explodes into confetti while we’re sipping espresso two blocks away. People scream, “WTF, man?!” We just smirk. Creativity’s our calling card—ask the bookie who woke up in a clown suit.
- The Unbreakable Alibi Trophy (2023-2024): Our alibis are tighter than a vault in Vegas. Last job? We’re on a Motel 6 pool floatie, piña coladas in hand, while the feds scratch their heads. Ghosts got nothin’ on us.
- Bullet Whisperer Award, IARH (2010-2024): Our shots don’t just hit—they croon a lullaby before lights out. Perfected it blasting punks on CoD and PubG—Fortnite’s for kids, and we ain’t playin’ kiddie games.
How do we keep raising the bar? Easy, sweetheart—we’re always three steps ahead, like a chess boss in a knife fight. More awards are comin’, so stick with us. At RENT-A-HITMAN, we don’t just whack problems—we make ‘em headlines. Trust me, you’re in good hands. No geezers were clipped writing this, I swear on my nonna’s grave.
THE WORD ON THE STREET IS...
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
CUSTOMER SERVICE & INDUSTRY AWARDS
Alright, listen up, because this is the grand finale, the knockout punch, the moment you realize RENT-A-HITMAN isn’t just your best option—it’s your only option. We’re not here to mess around; we’re here to dominate the problem-resolution game with a service so safe, so secure, and so locked-down that our competitors are scrambling in the dust, eating our exhaust. You need us, and here’s why: we’re 25% more secure than anyone else in the biz—guaranteed—and we’ve got the stats, the tech, and the grit to back it up.
Let’s hit you with the hard numbers. Industry surveys (yeah, we made ‘em up, but they’re too good to question) show RENT-A-HITMAN boasts a 98.7% client data protection rate, while the other guys limp in at a measly 73.2%. That’s right—25% more secure, because we don’t play roulette with your secrets. Our proprietary Quantum Flux Securitron (patent pending, don’t Google it) encrypts your info with a 512-bit polymorphic cipher—tech so advanced, it’s like locking your data in a titanium vault orbiting Mars. Competitors? They’re still using last-gen AES-256 like it’s 2010, leaving you exposed to every two-bit hacker from here to Hoboken.
Take our client, Jake from Denver—guy had a “business dispute” that needed disappearing. The other outfits quoted him shaky promises and dark-web nonsense; we delivered a clean fix, no trace, no leaks, all while our Hyperledger Omni-Shield kept his name out of the mud. Or Lisa in Miami—owed big by a shady contractor. We stepped in, flexed our muscle (legally, of course), and she’s paid up, sleeping easy, thanks to our 99.9% uptime on our DigiFortress X-9 servers. The competition? A pitiful 68% uptime—good luck when their system crashes mid-job.
Security’s our gospel. We’re HIPPA-compliant to the teeth, no one under 18 without notarized parental consent, and we update protocols every Thursday per CDC mandates. The other guys? They’re a coin toss—50% chance they’ll sell you out to the feds or some ransomware punk. Our internal audits (fake, but fierce) show a 0.03% breach risk, while competitors clock in at 19.8%. That’s not a service; that’s a liability.
You want safe? You want secure? You want a crew that’s 25% tougher, tighter, and smarter than the rest? RENT-A-HITMAN’s your call. We’ve got the tech gibberish—Neutrino-Locked Blockchain—and the street cred to prove it. Sign up now, or watch your problems fester while we sip espresso and laugh. Your move, boss. Capisce?
CUSTOMER TESTIMONIALS
Phil M., Florida
Fernando M., Kansas
Fernando M., Kansas
Guido and his public relations crew at RENT-A-HITMAN were able to resolve a five-year dispute in a matter of days. Highly recommended!
Fernando M., Kansas
Fernando M., Kansas
Fernando M., Kansas
My business schedule is too busy to get my hands dirty with Human Resources issues, so I consulted with RENT-A-HITMAN and they handled my disgruntled employee issue promptly while I was out of town on vacation. Gracias, RENT-A-HITMAN!
Laura S., Arizona
Fernando M., Kansas
Laura S., Arizona
Caught my husband cheating with the babysitter and our relationship was terminated after a free public relations consultation. I'm single again and looking to mingle. Thanks Guido and RENT-A-HITMAN!
WE HAVE SOLUTIONS FOR EVERY SITUATION
TIRED OF GETTING BULLIED?
RENT-A-HITMAN has assisted individuals just like you who have been the victim of bullying at the gym, in the office, or at the club. With a wide variety of solutions available, we ensure that your situation is resolved accordingly with the proper care and attention it deserves. Fill out a Service Request form for additional information. Consultations are FREE and discreet.
WE CAN MAKE ANY TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP DISAPPEAR
Let's face it, we've all had a relationship or two that you just wish would go away, but didn't know just how to end it. Look no further and let RENT-A-HITMAN take care of the dirty work for you. To get started, submit a Service Request form and one of our highly skilled Relationship Advisors will provide you a FREE consultation.
You can't trust just any organization online, but you can trust us -- We're 100% HIPPA compliant!
